My Source of Strength

Just one of those days

Maybe it's the four white walls that are reminding me of Taylors on A'Beckett (horrible hostel), or maybe it's the lack of anything meaningful to look forward to, or maybe it's the lack of routine.

Whatever it is, I'm homesick.

From Eve To Mary

Completing my course before everyone is done with exam is not as fun as I thought it would be.  Can't really "hang out" with people since everyone has to study.

On a side note, I'M DONE WITH MY COURSE!! I can't believe the year has zoomed by so quickly and that I'm at this very point in my life right now.  Feels so surreal.

And just because Teo mentioned she was listening to the soundtrack of "From Eve to Mary - Walking with Women", I had to go google it again and oh the memories are flooding back.  Looking back, I really am honoured and am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of a huge musical production, directed by Jonathan Lim and have music written/arranged by Bang Wenfu.  It's really such high honour, working with professionals who put together one of more amazing musicals ever.

The pictures barely capture how huge scale the whole musical was.  Man, the hours we spent on rehearsals and whatnot.  I remember going home at midnight for so many nights in a row, and how we will attempt to finish our homework before people arrive at our scene and then we have to provide angelic music.  The endless number of snack we hid and brought to munch on to keep us sane.  And that's all just tip of the ice berg.  Oh the memories.

I really miss such moments, but I'm super grateful for the memories that come with it.  It's been a while since I thought about all these performing arts stuff, and what I would give to be able to perform like that again, or even those simple "carolling in Orchard Road."

Ahh, handbells (:

Walking down memory lane

It's funny how recently music, shows, and whatnots have been bringing me down memory lane, bringing back such precious memories.

Right now, I just want to thank YOU for all those harder times and I want to thank YOU even more for being there and carrying me through all those.  I want to thank YOU for letting those experiences mould me to the person I am today and thank YOU for never letting me stray.

(':

Another great chapter

And as I procrastinate:

1 more day before I finish my Counselling unit.
12 more days till my Psychological Assessment exam
20 more days till my Research Project is due
24 more days till my Presentation

And then I'll be done with yet another course; time flies.  And in my last few days, slogging in front of the computer, writing up essays, filling up application forms, I realised how much I actually enjoy what I'm doing.  The pain, the tears, the stress - all worth it.  So fun that I really want to do Masters and/or Doctorate eventually.  So fun that I am more certain of where I hope to work and what I hope to spend my life doing.

And regardless, I'm still super grateful for this year and super grateful that God has given me a spot in this course, even though it means travelling SO FAR every week.  For once, I think I'll be able to close the year, for both ministry and studies, very peacefully and filled with anticipation for where He'll bring me to next year.

For I know YOU KNOW the plans for my life, and for that I am at peace.

Till next time

I think if you'd let me, I would have so many stories to share, so many tales to tell.  It's been a wonderful five years and it still amazes me how so many stories, so many testimonies are still so fresh in my mind.  Earlier today, I shocked myself at the ability to remember details of so many incidents over the years.  Furthermore, I never expected the whole "love your minions" advice to make leaving so much harder.  Still, all great things must come to an end.  I really couldn't have asked for a better ending to this chapter; fantastic that I got to finish it with the craziest, loveliest bunch of people, who are leaving with me so many precious memories.  Each amazing and inspiring in their own ways, and collectively the most encouraging group of people, always ready to spur each other on.

xoxo

Thank You Lord, for everything.

Second half of 2012

You know that words are somewhat inappropriate/redundant when you keep typing and then clicking backspace to restart and rephrase; you find that while staring at that picture, it somehow describes exactly how you feel, and clearly explains your circumstance, yet you're probably the only one who gets it and everyone is just left clueless.  But maybe that's okay, for now.

Heart Knowledge

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14

Making this head knowledge, heart knowledge

Winter Break

I've never been so grateful for the holidays and I didn't realise how much I really needed it.  And it's really the little things that make a difference.  Tiny things like blowing bubbles in my room, clearing my to-do lists, sleeping in on days I don't have work - I realise how I really took that for granted especially since I had free days in my undergrad year.  And after a semester of waking up to the horrid sound the alarm makes, it felt so good to be able to sleep in until my body was rested enough.  Even things like an organised room - because when doing my lit review, I had notes all over my table and organisation was the last thing on my mind.  The weather even seems to be celebrating with me with the sun shining into my room as I type this.

This is only the 3rd day of my winter break but I think it's already one of my favourite ones and only one more week to go before uni opens again (me thinks?). But yay, I'm really very grateful for every single minute (:

Change

You just know it, you know, when it's time for certain changes to happen.  Maybe it comes with 'maturity', or maybe it's just like something clicking in your mind and you just know it.  But whatever it is, I think it's nice; nice because there's peace that comes along with that inevitable change; nice because it doesn't come as a shock and you get to slowly ease into it.

It's currently 16 June 2012; amazing how time has just flown by, amazing how so much has happened and totally amusing how I'm 21 years and 11 days old and I'm talking like some old grandma who has lived a hundred years.  Haha.

But ya.  For some reason I'm quite excited for changes to happen and then there's the other part of me that is singing really loudly "CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA, HERE WE I COMEEEEEE" hahahahaha.

Going to War

1When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. ² When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. ³ He shall say: “Hear, Israel: Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them.⁴ For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ”  

Deuteronomy 20:1-4

Today in QT, I was reminded that I shouldn't be walking around, well, defeated.  That I cannot go into 'battle' (aka exams amongst other things) thinking 'oh but I'm not really that smart' or 'but I can't do that' and in the process limiting what God can do in me and through me.  And I think that's really a 'problem' with me.

But God has really been amazing and super gracious; blessing me with grades and other things that I really don't think I deserve - proof of His strength in my weakness.  So, you know, because I serve an awesome, powerful God, I'm going to (learn to) walk about with my head held high knowing that battles have already been won for me, with the assurance that things will be more than just okay.

Life is good because God is good.

Special Dates

Give it a week and it'll seem like a start of the end of a particularly special chapter.  It's starting to feel so bittersweet and it's going to be so hard to let go, yet I know I have to, just to see it grow.  For now, I'm starting to feel a bit clueless as to what my next few steps will be, but I guess I don't have to know them now to trust that God has everything in control and that the next few chapters will be as precious as the previous few.

Goodbye Autumn

The last day of autumn, final day of the season with the next one beginning tomorrow.  Somehow it seems like a huge thing.  It's not the same feeling when it's the end of the week, or month.  End of the season just seems, huge; overwhelming.

Somehow, this end just makes me feel old, makes me feel like there's more responsibilities to be taken up, makes me feel that maybe it's time to grow up.  Maybe it's due to the fact that it's June and soon I'm going to be a year older.  Or maybe because coincidently it's the end of the semester for me as well.  Or maybe it's the realisation that if the middle of the year can come so quickly, in a blink of the eye the year will soon draw to an end - more decisions to be made, more responsibilities to take up, more of everything.

Yet, in the midst of this chaos, it's such a blessing to be able to find joy in the tiniest things; lovely weather; simple stats test; the ability to sing and almost dance to (in the middle of the street) Backstreet Boys and Westlife; the cool crisp suburban air; the quiet streets; the satin night sky filled with tiny diamonds...

So maybe this is the perfect way to end this season - oh I'm going to miss stepping on all the fallen leaves - and great way to start the next.

Goodbye Autumn.

All encompassing

It's just one of those days that you come home and you just feel that overwhelming sense of love.  For that, I thank You.

The word "stress" doesn't even begin to describe it

It's that time again, where I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel my heart rate increasing at such an exponential rate, that I'm a little shocked that it hasn't managed to burst out from behind my ribs and soar through the air.  And I'm here because I feel if I don't let all these out, I MAY ACTUALLY DIE! Cue exaggeration.

And shamefully enough, it's through all these that I'm starting to be aware of my lack of faith, in a lot of things. And it's not good. duh.  But I don't know.  I feel I'm at the point of my life where everything is happening so fast and I don't know how to keep track of them all and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ALL THESE.  And as if all these aren't bad enough, I hear this little whisper in my mind going "ohh but this is training you to be a mum."  That's kinda scary, because does it mean I'll face nonsense like this on a more regular basis?  How scary will that be, seriously.

I'm rambling.  Time to like, tumble around or something until I calm down.  Stress, you make me extra strange..  I think I deserve a psychologist visit now.  Haha.

Simple

Taken last year

It's 2am and I just spent a good minute finding leaves to step on just to hear that crunching sound. Perks of taking out the thrash? Haha. I'm glad I did it though - stepping on the leaves - because it makes me happy, as simple as that.

Learning to Hope

Photo by Karen (:

2012 has just been.. hard.  Maybe hard isn't the right word, maybe more of challenging.  There is just so many things going on that I don't know where or how to begin.  Perhaps that's not really the point.  I don't think I actually need to rant about what's happening in my life.  Or maybe I do, just that, I'm not in the mood to now.

I think I just came here as a way to escape reality for a little while. 

This picture makes me happy and so I have to share it.  I like family photos, even though we don't take many of them.  It reminds me of simpler days.  Sometimes I feel like I act like some old grandma who sits on her rocking chair, knitting, while thinking back on the good ol' days.  Only thing is, I'm not that old.

I think in 2012, with the whole growing up,  taking on more responsibilities, and even postgrad, it's just so different from previous years, that it's hard.  And within a week, another round of change is going to take place that is going to be emotionally tough as well.  Somehow, everything seems to just keep coming.

In my attempt to better understand what's happening to me, for the past few weeks, I've been visualising this girl who keeps falling as she runs, who keeps getting bruised and I just see energy draining.  And I wonder how long more before I just give up, or how long more before I am unable to pick myself up again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate this year or not that I hate my course or my ministry, it's just that life is, hard (because there's really no other appropriate words at the moment).  I still find joy in uni, in ministry, in the things I do, but maybe I'm just really tired or I just miss the simpler days.  Maybe I'm just lacking motivation, lacking the drive.  Maybe my eyes are not focused on the bigger picture.

And so I think I'm learning how to make Romans 5:3-5 + Isaiah 40:38-31 my reality and how to hope in the Lord.  How to take each step in Him and learning how to trust that He is in control of everything.

Now that I'm contented with escaping reality, time to face the music and finish my assignments.

To the fullest

Today as I held the biscuit in one hand and small cup of grape juice in the other, God said to me:

"Monica, Jesus did not die for you to feel hopeless 

Jesus did not die for you to give up on life

But, He died so that you may live life to the fullest."

I Found Hope In The Aftermath

Sometimes I wish that God was here physically, just so that I can give Him a hug and get one in return.  Not because I'm sad or anything, but ya.  And at the moment I feel so overwhelmed by Him that I just cannot help but to let the tears flow.

I'm here because after 4-5 months of what seemed like the toughest point in my life, I finally feel free.  I finally feel that the shackles have fallen off, I finally feel like the chains and the bondage over my life have been broken and, now I am free!  And I thought that needed to be said because God really deserves all the praise.

And that's enough from me for now.

Beautiful Beyond Description

I know I have a little bit of an obsession with taking photos of the sky, but seriously, how can you not when each day it's different and yet still so beautiful? I really believe that all these just point to the fact that God is artistic; creative creator.

And in other news, to all those oh-so-faithful readers, I'm on my second week of my postgrad and I think this week has been better than the week before. Than again, so far everything beats my first day when I suddenly had that overwhelming feeling of homesick - seriously Geelong is very far away from home, so it's a legitimate feeling. But ya, life have been fun with a good mix of work, uni, OCF and social life - so all's good, for now. As I end this post, I'm thinking to myself: why on earth am I torturing myself by baking for Homecell when I could have just volunteered to buy pizza or something. Tonight's product is definitely not one of my best works.

Do Not Worry

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? - Matthew 6:26

Because sometimes, when you least expect it, and even when you've not been too faithful, God will just surprise you with a downpour of blessings, that just makes your heart want to sing. This sensation of drowning (in blessings) is so much more relieving after being bombarded with anxious thoughts. And I'm so grateful that words cannot begin to describe the emotions running about inside of me. With things like this, I slowly feel the hauntings from Summer slowly fading away; my God takes care of my worries.

I really thank You Lord, for not only answering my prayers but giving way more than I ever asked for.

Goodbye Summer

Hehe, because I really like this picture, even though my phone really does no justice to the beauty displayed across the sky. 

It's officially the start of Autumn!! (: I love Autumn. And in other news, my 4 months long holiday is actually coming to an end, with just one more week to go. Most loose ends are being tied up and I feel all ready and pumped to start my new course. Yet at the same time, I'm fearing the anticipated crazy workload. But as I look at the picture and think back to my challenging summer holidays, I feel this overwhelming sense of peace that the same God who painted this beauty sunset, the same God who pulled me through one of my toughest summers ever will be the same God who will guide me through this new chapter of my life. One step closer to becoming a psychologist!! Yay.

So stay tuned, for more (inspiration) to come.

Sudden Epiphany

So I just had this sudden epiphany that I decided I wanted to blog about.

Looking around my kitchen and thinking to myself how I would have a certain container (because Mummy ever pointed to one before, showing me how useful it is) and it made me realise how we I always dream of a home 'nicer' than the one I'm living in. And so, if this pattern of behaviour is normal, I can imagine my parents looking around the homes that they grew up in and also dream of a 'nicer' house (because I realised house may be a better term to use, than home, in this context).

I imagined them doing whatever they can to get their dream house, to buy the necessary appliances, furniture, etc. to match the house they dreamt of. Even if it's some "run-down place" or a mansion, you can be assured that they really did their best in attaining that roof over our head.

With this sudden epiphany, I am honoured to be able to live here, or wherever my parents bring us to stay, because there is so much love that goes into not only this house, but this home.

Sleep

I used to wonder why do parents have to sleep early (as compared to the crazy hours I sleep at) and wondered if I would be that kind of mum who sleeps late. Today I concluded, if I have to look after my family and maintain the house, etc., it's not humanly possible to stay up late every night. Sleep is very precious.

And that's my random sharing for the day. Hahahaha. So entertaining right?

Freedom

Okay, so let's try something out. This is like just one of those moments with super random thoughts and..

Don't you ever wonder what it really means to be free?

When you walk, don't you feel like something is pulling you down? I can hear the voices screaming: "Well, duhh, there's gravity. Didn't you ever study science?" But sometimes, it feels a little more than that. Today, while walking, I felt the weight of my sins dragging me down and the bondage of sin never felt stronger. It like like vines growing out of the earth, slowly wrapping around me, trying to anchor me down, holding me to this earth. Mind you, it's not that I'm experiencing some spiritual attack nor am I 'emo'.

It makes me wonder what complete freedom feels like. Because normally when the word 'freedom' is mentioned, I just think of someone who is not in jail. But yet, there is so much more to that word. As Christians we are given the privilege to live freely in Christ; what does that really mean? I'm guessing that as a result of Jesus' death on the cross - the death that took upon our sins, our inequities - we are free because we no longer have to do worry about not being before God, because all we need to do now is to acknowledge what He did and acknowledge Him as Lord and Saviour (amen!!). Right? And in that freedom in Christ, comes pure joy, the ability to just sing and dance and praise Him. We can be who we are really created to be. We can be happy.

Yet, we don't really live like that, do we?

Today as I felt sin grabbing hold of my ankles, it made me wonder if I was able to live freely in Christ, that I would be able to just fly. I then thought of heaven to be this place that is so airy, light and free. Maybe that's why we always picture heaven to be in the clouds, because it's airy, light and free.

Because even with that ability to fly, I'd allow my human knowledge to take precedence what God can really do, i.e. excuse me, people can't fly - sin. Even if I think it's possible, I hesitate to let Him fully take control - sin. When I do fly, I feel the need to boast (but not in Christ) - sin. The list goes on.

And so, I think I really await the day that I not only come to really understand what this complete freedom is but to actually be able to experience it and live the rest of my days in such a manner. Well, till then.

Ask me why

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. As it is written: "He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor; his righteousness endures forever." Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

2 Corinthians 9:8-11

Ask me why.

(: 

I Can Only Imagine

Aren't you just excited for the day that we are all united with the Father again? Perfect unity, where there is no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears. I can imagine the laughter, the smiles, the joyful dances and skips..

Hopefully, on top of all that, there will be perfect clarity to life and understanding as to why certain things have to happen; where everything will just make sense.

Let Hope Rise

If I've learnt anything from the past few weeks, it's this:

We all need hope, something to look forward to, something that keeps us moving forward. Because ever so often, despair fills our mind and we find ourselves suffocating, fighting to stay alive. We may even start to give up on dreams we once had, allowing ourselves to be subjected to the negative circumstances. We get caught in a downward spiral, and at the same time, we put on masks to pretend that we are okay even though we are filled with torment on the inside. We try to convince ourselves that things will get better, yet doubt seems to get the better of us.

And that's why, we need hope. That it's not enough to just have friends and family telling you that things will be okay, but that we need that peace and assurance from God to fill our hearts and to overflow into our hearts, our souls, our minds.

With that, I'm more than just grateful for the relationship I have with the Great I Am, who will whisper words of affirmation into my heart in my time of need. That on the day I was filled with so much despair, when darkness clouded my mind, when I felt that all hope was lost, He came with His Holy Light and shone ever so brightly in my heart, my soul and my mind. That truly, peace comes from Him and Him alone. Not only that, I'm so thankful that I can be me in front of Him, that I can just put aside all those formalities and just lash out whatever was on my mind; to be truthful in reverent fear and awe.

And at times like this, it reminds me over and over and over again: People NEED to know the Lord. It relights my passion for the ministry He has placed me in and it helps me as I attempt to reprioritize my life, to know what is truly important. So, I guess, while I've been rejecting the idea of having to grow up and taking on more responsibilities, I guess I'm glad that with this growing up comes wisdom in better understanding what God's plans for His kingdom are.

Now, equipped with a new sense of urgency, a renewed love and overwhelming joy, I'm glad what they said is true - that you can (and should be able to) experience God in your own bedroom, when you make time to spend with Him [Jeremiah 29:13]. It's like a mini (spiritual) retreat, in my room.

(:

The Sacred Romance

Took this from T's tumblr; stuff that I've been thinking about but really couldn't express it any better:

“But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in it capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer, the word passion means to suffer. This is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts: they know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; its safer that way. Its also godless. That stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the deep sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life.

Desire often feels like an enemy, because it wakes longings that cannot be fulfilled in the moment. Spring awakens a desire for summer that is not yet. Awakened souls are often disappointed, but our disappointment can lead us onward, actually increasing our desire and lifting it towards its true passion.

I am a lucky man. I have a family and friends who love me well. But they also let me down. When I feel the pain of their failure, I have several options. I can retreat into cynicism (“Isn’t that the way life really is?”) and deaden the pain by killing my desire. Or I can become more demanding (“You will never do that again.”), manipulating them and in a way increasing my addiction to relationship. Or I can let it be a reminder that a day is coming when we will live in perfect love. I can let the ache lead me deeper into my heart and higher toward heaven. And this is where memory comes in. Desire keeps us moving forward; memory keeps us moving in the right direction.”

- The Sacred Romance - Curtis & Eldredge

God Is Not Hiding

The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows and proclaims His handiwork. (Psalm 19:1)

Hello 2012

With all the celebrations and fellowships during this festive season, time rockets by and everything is in a whirl. It's so easy to get caught up with all the excitement that's all around, and so easy to forget to reflect. And I think it's just me, but I enjoy debriefs, reflections and whatnots because it gives me the opportunity to just collect my thoughts and give thanks for the good and the bad that have both gone by. At the same time, it brings about the anticipation for even greater things to come. I think it gives us the chance to build upon past mistakes and allow us to continue doing what was good for us in the previous season.

2011 will always remain a precious memory to me: a year of growth. Growth in so so many ways. And to be able to stand here, in 2012, is really a testament to God's faithfulness to me; to do more than I could ever imagine, to be stretched in ways I never thought possible, for strengthened relationships, for the endless buckets of tears, for the laughter-induced stomachaches, and so so many more, that it'll take forever to list down. 2011 will be a testimony of how God is so real, in my life, in the lives of others. 2011 will be the year that I look back on and remember how even the most seemingly impossible is possible, just because God is God.

And this new year is different, because I start 2012 being in a state of limbo, a state of uncertainty. It's scary. But with this new year comes new promises from The Most High, and the assurance that promises made in the past will still hold true. So the next few days will specifically be set aside for more reflections, and for dreaming BIG dreams and having visions and assurance for the coming year. I guess, while I sit here and prayerfully consider what the Lord wants me to do, there's so much excitement in this coming year, because great things will happen.

Entering this new year with an expectant heart: 2012 will be amazing because I serve the Great I Am, and He loves me.

A new chapter, a new start.