i'm actually proud of myself. i made a decision and i know i'll not regret it. at least i should not regret it.

this morning, melissa asked me if i have considered being in the crosslink comm. ok. so i'll skip all the boring stuff. but yeah. i told her ok. but i'll ask my parents again to confirm and let her know again. and to tell the truth. i'm quite shocked i made such a decision. cos never did i think i'd ask my parents before actually confirming it. but yeah. i didn't really dare la. so i delayed all the way till about 3 when i asked my mum.

well my mum discouraged me from being part of the comm. because firstly i'm the class president and ya. that itself requires a lot of commitment. and she didn't want me to be busy the whole week. and wants me to concentrate more on my studies. SURPRISINGLY, i didn't argue and yupp. i just sms melissa telling her i'll pull out. when my dad came home. i told him how i was asked and how i pulled out. and he gave me the same reasons as my mum.

and usually i'd get really upset when i don't get such stuff and all. but this time i didn't. in fact. i felt quite happy. not only did i obey God's fifth commandant (children honour your mother and father...) i actually felt love for my parents. true love. it's because i love and respect my father so much. that i was worried that i hurt his feelings. that's why i considered asking him first. it's because i love my parents so much that i didn't want them to think i was rebelling against them thus i asked them.

even though i would have really loved to be part of the comm. i guess i should be happy. and ya. even up till now. i don't really find myself regretting it. maybe i was a tiny winy bit jealous. but that was for a short short while. yeah. well. if God ever wants me to be part of the comm he'll let me. but this doesn't mean that i can't stop serving God. yeah.

i'm maturing in my thoughts. haha. ego again.

i don't know why. i cannot explain why. i can't even understand why. but the usually happy me is.... depressed. and i mean it. i'm really really upset. but i don't even know why. i just feel sadness overcoming me. as if i've no more happiness left in me. and this is so not me. i can't even force myself to smile. what's happening to me? what's going on?

i seriously need help. seriously. i want a shoulder to cry on. a friend to rely on. someone i can pour out everything to. but somehow i just dunno if i can ever find one. i have like plenty of friends. good friends. but yet. something is missing.

and at this point. i don't even know what i'm thinking. why is this happening to me?

Could I be the one?

In every clique, there is usually someone who either gets kicked out or leaves. Could I be the one?

In every group, there needs to be someone to head it. Could I be the one?

In every class, there needs to be a class president. Could I be the one?

In every religion, there is a need for people to share the gospel. Could I be the one?

Well, I was thinking. Yes, I am very lucky to be a class president. Very blessed indeed. Something I get without even asking. Something many would want and no matter how hard they try never get. I am very lucky to be one of the few who was selected to go for the Leadership Training Camp(LTC). Yes I am very blessed. So why do I not feel myself this blessed all these while? Why do I always think that I'm being deprived.

I have such great friends. However now I feel as if I'm drifting apart. I'm not right? This is where I belong. There's no other clique I want to be in. Why am I feeling all these?

Is it because I'm different? Is it because I'm changing? Why are all these happening? Who can answer all these questions for me?

Maybe God is putting me through this for a reason He does not want me to know. But how will I know for sure? Maybe God wants me to share the Word with more unbelievers. Am I up to it? Is my heart ready to stand for God? Ready to do whatever God sends me to do?

Well, I guess all I can do now is to wait. Wait for an answer.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! haha

had a countdown with jessica, sarah, gloria and ziteng on a cc. haha. since we all didn't go any where or couldn't go any where. we did the next best thing. call my handphone for conference and started so scream the countdown. haha. so ya. if there's any other countdown you people want but not allowed to go out. let me know. then we can have another countdown.

ok. now back to the main point of this post. ya. another year has just flew pass. and it was so so fast. time really really flies when you're having fun. i really miss 2005. i miss being called a sec 2. i so don't want to be called a sec 3. things would like never be the same. i am not in the same class as cherilyn which means no more fun and laughter during class. and with no proper friends in class, wow. i wonder how it will be like. but to honestly tell you people the truth. i rather hanging out with friends in church than those in school. because for most of us we grew up together and ya. we have more things in common.

but not everything would be so upsetting. cherilyn can still come to church. and in church, we're doing the next best thing. we are calling ourselves sec 2 '05. haha. and for handbells we are expected to be having much more performances. and i hope that i don't have to do the bass at all.

ok. i don't think i made any sense. but oh well. now for new year resolutions. i hope i can accomplish all of them.

New Year Resolution

1. seek ye first the kingdom of God
2. to be more obedient to both God's word and my parents
3. to be more organised and responsible
4. to get rid of all my bad points
5. to make more non christian friends and bring them to church
6. to do my quiet time more regularly
7. to take initiative and not wait to be told

technically i don't know whether those are considered as resolutions. but ya. that's what i want to do for the year.