Mm, I've been receiving rejection letters. So out of the 17 applications, 8 have gotten back to me and my application has been unsuccessful.
I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though I am a bit disappointed. Talking to Kim today and telling her about how I didn't want to share the vision I had for Outreach min to my subcomm in case I didn't get to further my studies - because if that was the case, I wanted them to only hear the vision of the person who would be leading outreach ministry. We were sharing our excitement for OCF and I mentioned how there were so many things I was so excited for, that I may potentially not get to experience.
I like the phrase Kim used before: "not getting hopes up too high", and I think that's me at the moment. I don't think it's necessarily out of pessimism but it's just that, realistically, I know that my chances of furthering my studies in Psych is quite low at the moment, even though there's still this part of me hoping and praying for a miracle to happen. Because my God is the God of the impossible, so if He had meant for me to study Psych, it WILL happen.
I remember worrying that I would be angry with God for being in such a situation and that I would be at the stage where I feel everything is unjustified. I remember hearing other people be unhappy with their results because they claim that they've put in a lot of effort. Not to discredit anything they've said, but I'm happy that I'm not in that position. Don't get the wrong idea, it hurts to be in such a position but I think there is so much joy being in a position whereby I know that wherever I get placed at next year, that it's all part of God's plan for me. In that sense, because I have no control over any of these, in a way, I won't interfere with God's perfect plan for my life.
I guess it's all part of growing in Christ. I realise that I have to learn to surrender my all, which includes my dreams. Because although I had such great dreams to be a psychologist, I have probably reached the stage of my life whereby I need to lay that dream at His feet and let Him do what He deems fit with it. Because maybe all these while, I may have misunderstood His plans for me. Because maybe even though He planted the dream of psychology in my mind, it may have only be for a psychology major. Because maybe...
And I guess why I'm a bit apprehensive about not furthering my studies is because the changes that come along with it are huge and in a way, life-changing. It's so scary to have to move on and I don't feel prepared at all. But maybe it's all part of His plan to strengthen my faith and to make me dependent fully on Him and Him alone.
I'm also very grateful, to have had the opportunity to major in Psychology and to have been able to take the elective "Introduction to Counselling". I'm grateful that even if I do not get to become a Psychologist, that at least I learned a bit more about understanding people and the basics of counselling - that I apply to myself a lot. Haha. I psycho analyse myself a lot. I'm grateful that my two majors have given me an insight to human behaviour and also a glimpse into God's heart for His people.
And so, I don't regret my choice to do Bachelor of Arts, I don't regret at times I choose ministry over constant mugging (not that if I was very free I would have spent my time mugging anyway), I don't regret my subject choice, I don't regret the situation I am in.
Because I believe that if God brought me to this situation or allowed me to come to this situation, that He has a plan, He has a purpose. I believe that He is standing next to me so as to prevent me from harm. And I believe this is a time of refinement, of learning how to trust in Him alone, of taking another leap of faith. And in a way, it does get easier to take these leaps of faith, though the various scenarios may still remain tough.
So, maybe I'll just wait. Wait to see what He'll give me (or not) and wait to hear from Him to know what step to take next. I guess, the same God who gave me the most wonderful Christian support when I first came to Melbourne, the same God who gave me the most amazing friends ever, the same God who comforted me time and time and time again, the same God who gave me a spot in Monash University and even made my transfer from Caulfield to Clayton so easy, the same God who loves me very much, will look after me and the next chapter of my life will start off in a way so amazing that I'll be left speechless.
