reflection

Have you ever have those times, when you just do, say or think something. Then after you reflect back, you realised that you are wrong? And then you just feel so bad.

So today there was this meeting that I had to attend and yeah there were a few stuff that I was not so happy about. Many stuff that I felt injustice for. Things that were said made me feel unappreciated. So yeah, I complained about it and all. I just couldn't stop going on and on and on about it. So yeah, I was told by a friend that "... As long as God gets the honour" That didn't really work. It calmed me down a bit though. I told my parents about the whole thing. I was still bearing that grudge. When my dad finally told me "..... ultimately God knows what's the truth." It just hit me. That hey. I may be doing what I did for 3 years. No one may care. Everyone may want to have a part of it. But ultimately, it's for God. That all this while, I missed the important point of this whole service. I was actually doing it for God and not for men to see. But yet, today my pride took over. And then I felt so bad. That I took what I did as a 'performance' which I wanted an arousing applause from everyone. OH Lord, please forgive me for thinking like this. I know I shouldn't have thought this way and all. Please help me remember that whatever I do, it's for you and not for men to see.

And yeah. Delicia. I have confidence in you, that you will be able to take over this whole project. Even though now it seems kinda unreasonable and weird. I'm sure things will work out. Yeah. If there's ever a time when you cannot cope, just let me know. I'll help you as much as I can. The only reason why I asked you and no one else to take over me is because I feel that you're the only one suitable for the job. Because you are responsible and matured enough. Yeah. And I know for sure that you'll do me proud all the way.

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Yeah. Now to another topic. You know since young, almost everyone would be asked this question. And that question is "What do you want to be when you grow up?'

For many years, I never had something that I actually dreamt of doing. There was this stage I wanted to be a teacher. Then I was so keen into becoming a lawyer. The next one was that I wanted to become a film director. Then something to do with computers.

But now, after going for two mission trips. I want to go out to the mission field when I grow up. Actually, I want to go out to the mission field as much as I can. I want to be able to go and be with the less fortunate. To touch their lives and just to bring smiles onto their faces. The trip to Cebu made me realise that there was this part of me, that I never knew of, that was filled only after the trip. When I felt so accomplished that I could actually make a difference to other people's lives.

BUT...

well, many people have been telling me that I should at least work for a while before I actually do such stuff, because the working life may teach me more stuff. And through working I would have enough capital. And yet, there's nothing else that I actually want to do. I want to do something that reaches out to others, to help others. To make a difference in other people lives.

Hopefully as the days go by I'll see my true calling. To where God wants me to go. Whether He wants me to do something else or do actually go out to the mission fields asap. I hope that day comes soon. Cos I really want to know what God's purpose for me is...