to learn to let go

I haven't been blogging for a while. And due to time constrain, I'll just try to keep this short. See if time is on my side today.

In a matter of hours I'll be flying to New Zealand. And to tell the truth, I'm kinda nervous. I don't really want to go. I'm already starting to miss my family and friends. My first overseas trips without my parents. I really dunno what to expect. And yet, part of me is really excited. I mean like, going to New Zealand is once in life time opportunity. I'm sure I'll come back with many stories to share. But as for now, I need to find something to help me calm down. To assure me that everything will turn out ok. I really hope that this trip would be a memorable one. Hopefully all will work out well.

And I'm really worried for this sunday's worship. Hopefully the band will do me proud. I hope I don't hear any negative comments. But I don't think that would be the case la. They're not first timers. I just hope that they'll have a smooth prac, and that nothing bad would happen.

I wonder if anyone would miss me. Besides my family who SHOULD miss me. haha. Even though I love going for camps and all. Somehow, going for this trip is somehow different. I don't understand why I'm feeling so nervous. Usually I would be so excited that I can't sit down. But for this trip, I'm just trying to delay everything. What is holding me back? Is it love?

Maybe just to hear a few words of assurance, my heart would be at ease.

Oh and thank you so much delicia for that 'goodie bag' you packed for me. haha. so sweet of you. I know it would be of great help to me in the plane. Hopefully I don't die in the stupid plane. The flight is so so so long. I hope I can just sleep throughout all the pain.

I really need to learn to let go. To let my heart be at ease. And yet, I just can't seem to do it...

Miss Swan Eyewitness

oh this is so so so funny. recommended to me by delicia and pho! ahhaha. enjoy watchin!!

Footprints

Down in the dumps...

That was all a thing of the past.

Who ever said that once I hit the bottom of the pit that I'll spend the rest of my life there? So you thought that I would stay like that forever. No way! I'm climbing back up this very moment. There is no way I am going to let the joyful side of me die away.

So you think I was all alone? Think again...

One night a man had a dream. He dreamt he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints on the sand -- one belonging to him and the other to the Lord. When the last scene had flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints and he noticed only one set. He also noticed that this happened during the lowest and saddest times of his life. This bothered him and he questioned the Lord. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk all the way with me, but I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you deserted me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, those were the times when I carried you in my arms."

So how does all this relate?

Ok. So I was down in the dumps. I thought that I was all alone, with no one who could actually understand what I was going through. But I was wrong. So so wrong. I basically forgot that I had friends who cared. I thought I couldn't talk to my parents. But once again was proven to have made a mistake. And the worst part was that I didn't remember that God was always there for me. At that point I felt so alone in the world.

But somehow or rather, I felt like I bounced back up. It was like a sudden turn of events. And the funny thing is that I cannot explain how any of these happened, or why it happened. Maybe it was when I actually felt that people cared for me, that I actually snapped out of the crazy state I was in.

Yeah so I was full of regrets. But it's kind of too late. I only got myself to blame. I could have changed the situation, but I didn't. I've to reap what I sowed. Maybe I could take it as a lesson learnt. Maybe my 'downfall' will actually show me a new perspective of things.

And I guess the most important thing I learnt is that during all those times when I thought I was alone, God was actually carrying me through the trials and sufferings. I was never alone. And on top of that, I still have friends and family around me, whom I am very certain care for me.

So I hereby dare say.

I AM BACK!

Or so I hope.

emo moment

Will this feeling ever go away? Is it too late for regrets? Why is there no explanation for what I am feeling right now?

A mixture of emotions.

Happy. Sad. Disappointed. Confused. Angry. Lost.

This is not me. But if so, then where am I? Where is that girl whom people say is always happy? Where am I?

I really don't know why I'm feeling like this. Is this like something everyone has to go through. Because I definately don't want to go through this anymore. I feel like I hit rock bottom. But why am I going through all these? That's like something that I really cannot understand. And yet somehow I feel really disappointed with myself. I miss my old self. So once again the question is, where am I?

Lost.

Will someone please bring me back?

By faith I'll be back.

Shower me with Your love and show me the way.

the need to be left alone

Just leave me alone...

Can't you just understand that we cannot take it anymore. That I can't go through anymore of this. Of course I won't dare talk to you about anything. Do you even bother to listen? Do you even show any concern? So many a times I just want you to just listen to me, with your mouth saying only words of comfort. Yet you disappoint me. You won't even do something as basic as that for us. For me. Do you know that sometimes your words do hurt? How am I going to tell you the rest when things already reached this stage?

Shattered. Destroyed. Broken. Depressed. Lost. Confused.

Why do all these have to happen? How long more can I actually hold out? Will it be long before another smile can appear on my face?

I don't know what to do anymore.

Lord please show me the way.

Friday The Thirteen

Cool, once again it is FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN. And no I'm not superstitious.

Going to add colour to this boring place. See how it turns out..

Today as mentioned in the earlier post, my friends came over la. Don’t think I need to elaborate on it. Actually I just don’t feel like.

Anyway, Handbells was rather fun today. Initially, before Mrs Aw came, we were quite lost in the songs that we were playing. And after a while, we ended up trying out every single song. I kinda like the finally decision on what songs that we are playing. Especially because we get to play “IN HEAVENS THE BELLS ARE RINGING”!!! I like that song. Ever since last year, it has been stuck in my head. But the sad thing is that we have to play in front of that stupid fountain again outside taka. No one is going to be able to hear us la. Heard that Mrs Aw requested for them to switch the fountain off. Yeah right. Like that would actually happen. No wait! Must think positive. Be optimistic. All things are possible!! Yeah and the other songs include "Joy to the world" and a medly of "Carol of the bells and God rest ye merry gentlemen" All these are such such nice songs. So all of you should come down to taka on the 11 Nov and come watch the internationally acclaimed MGS HANDBELL CHOIR!! But I dunno what time is it.. I'll post it once I know. hahaha

I realized my blog is so, so, so not entertaining. And I’m just updating for the sake updating. There’s just no excitement when I blog now. I need to find another purpose for my blog. Make this place more meaningful.

Ok I've reached the point whereby I cannot hide it from you anymore. I really hate to be the one who has to play the bad guy and tell you all these. Trust me; you won't want to hear a single word. There's nothing else I can do now. No matter how hard I try, you still need to give me time. However I'm really sure that time is not on your side. I know that each time you sit down there alone, listening to the ticking of the clock, your mind is filled will all the crazy thoughts. Is there no way you can get your mind distracted by something else? I'll really, really try my best to help, but as for now I can't promise you anything.

updates

EXAMS ARE OFFICIALLY OVER! ok so I'm a day late, but I just didn't feel like using the computer yesterday. But I'm really really worried of getting my papers back. I don't want to see my results just yet, unless I know for sure that I'll do well. SO SO SO SCARY!

Yesterday went out with Jessica, Gerald, Daniel and Nicholas to Jurong Point. I wanted to go there in hope that I could finally be the first one to reach home. We wanted to watch John Tucker must die, but in the end we watched World Trade Centre. Ok that show is not considered bad, but it's not fantastic. Gerald, Nicholas and I got bored after a while. I found that show a waste of money if you asked me for my honest opinion.. Yeah. Then we met up with Kui Luan and had dinner with her. We ate at Billy Bombers. So Expensive, I feel so bad eating there. I'm not really going to elaborate on what else happened la.. Ok, then the most ironic thing happened. I was supposed to be the FIRST to reach home. But guess what, my father drove everyone home, and once again I was the last one to reach home. I've no idea how that always happens. But yes, once again it DID happen. That's so not possible la.

Today I didn't do much. Like I wanted to sleep in, but mummy woke me up at 10. Like she can't let me sleep.. Anyway, I was so tired but was trying my best to stay awake. Then I had breakfast, had no choice but to practise piano and then because of my cold, I was so sleepy that I fell asleep. Then I actually managed to wake up when the alarm clock rang. Then I baked and got annoyed after a while when the thing I was tryin to bake couldn't stick together. So now I'm online. I've nothing better to do.

Tomorrow I've handbells prac. So sian la. I don't see why Miss Sim wants us to start prac so soon. Like we've all been studying like siao for so long, and now only ONE day break and now handbells. With all these handbells, we're going to get so stressed out again if we can't master our piece. Maybe we shouldn't accept the invitations. But since we already have, we need to prac for it. Actually I love performing. But i just want a longer break before we start the handbells intensive again. I kinda want to sleep in tomorrow morning. But looks like I can't. Oh well. I've friends coming over tmr. (TOC plus delicia) If there is anyone I forgot to invite, just tell me and please feel welcomed to come. I didn't mean to leave anyone out, but I just forgot who I called and all. Yeah.. No offence intended.

Ok, I've finally updated this dead place. Hopefully it would be much more alive.. hahah.

Jia You

all I need is one last burst of energy and then it'd be all over. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T WAIT TILL ALL OF IT IS OVER!! I'm going mad! I'm so so stressed!

Yeah, I don't really want to post about anything. So ya. Here's my exams schedule. And after all these, I'LL BE FREE!! back to the fun stuff like handbells, non stop nonsense, going out etc..

02 Oct - English paper 1

Social studies

03 Oct - Chinese paper 1

Geography paper 2

04 Oct - English paper 2

Chemistry paper 1

Chemistry paper 2

05 Oct - Mathematics paper 1

06 Oct - Mathematics paper 2

09 Oct - Additional Mathematics paper 1

Literature Elective

10 Oct - Additional Mathematics paper 2

Physics paper 1

Physics paper 2

11 Oct - Chinese paper 2

Chinese paper 3

Geography paper 1

Oh and good luck to everyone out there taking exams!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your understanding" Proverbs 3:5