I thought i could stay strong. I thought that I could live without it. I thought that i would be lucky and stay preoccupied. but everytime i'm free i just can't help but think about it..

Crosslink. yes Crosslink.

I just realised how much i miss the times at crosslink. i remember how every saturday at 3.15 i'd wake my father up and ask him to drive me down to church so that i can reach there at 3.30 to meet pho and or gloria. i remember how we would go down to the shop, buy a packet of sweets then go up to the fourth floor and wait at the sofa till it was 4.. i remember collecting the name tags every week and sticking them in my book after every session. i remember how much i enjoyed the beginning part of crosslink when it was worship. i remember sitting through pastor steven's messages. which can be boring or meaningful or funny. i remember how i would admire how talented the musicians were for being able to play whatever pastor steven asks them to play without mistakes. i remember running away from care group with pho once in a while so that we won't be questioned on how our week was. i remember how much i wanted to be involved in crosslink. and the chance came when i was an usher in all 3 encounters and having the duty of doing projection every 3rd week of the month.

but all these may never happen again. i regret not working hard for the 3rd term thus being grounded.i regret not doing better for final year and yes. that's why i'm typing this. it's been 2 months. 2 months since i've last been to crosslink. and pastor steven was on the topic on 'why does a good god allow suffering?' and ya. recently i heard they've been on the topic 'talk the talk and walk the walk'. yet. i cannot find myself being involved. every saturday i always wish that i was in crosslink. doing whatever they are doing. but no. i'm not allowed. maybe i should have pushed myself harder. like they said. 'no pain no gain'.

and as all these weeks go by. and i see crosslinkers online at around this time. i always wonder why won't they just go since they have the chance. i find myself actually saying that i won't mind giving up my phone just to go at least one more time. just one more time. that's how badly i want to go. i don't mind not being able to go out in the holidays if i was just allowed to go at least one more time. why didn't i just treasure the times when i was in crosslink.. why do i always realise how much i loved something only after i lost it. i always complained that i didn't have enough when i was able to go crosslink. but now i realised that i had everything that i needed. in fact, i had more than enough. i never saw God's blessings for me when He was pouring them over me. i always thought it was a right for me to go crosslink. now i know it's a priviledge. it's a priviledge that i had taken for granted. a priviledge that i've lost. but yes. i believe i can get it back if i work hard enough. i know i can.

as i type out this post. i realise that i've taken a lot for granted. my family. my friends. everything. and that i've never actually thanked God for it but always ask for more. now that i've lost my priviledge for going to crosslink. i know that i'm actually so so so blessed. maybe that's why God doesn't want me to go crosslink. cos if i were able. i would have never known how blessed i was. how lucky i am.. and how i always take things for granted. maybe. after all that has happened. it is not that my parents are too strict. it's not that no one cares. it's all my fault. if i had more discipline. if i was more grateful to God and to the people around me. this priviledge may not have been taken away. and as for now. i dare say. i just learned something that cannot be taught in crosslink. i've just learnt something that pastor steven may not be able to explain.

i've finally learnt how to examine the wrongs in my life. i finally realised that everything i do has an impact. and mind you. i didn't think that this post would end this way. in fact. i thought i would end the post being frustrated and depressed. all these that i type is what came to me from out of the blue.

so yes. God is a wonderful God. and His plan is really amazing. even though i initially believed that everything was going wrong. i now know that God really has a plan for me to grow closer to Him and that i don't have to go crosslink to experience that. that must be the reason why He didnt allow me to go.

am i glad that i finally thought things through. from today onwards. i hope that i can keep this in mind and yes.continue to work hard to go to crosslink.. watch out people in crosslink.

I WILL BE BACK!