ok. today was meant to be a rather sad day. but i really cannot contain my happiness anymore. so i just have to say it. I CAN GO CROSSLINK!!! yes! i can go crosslink once again. but the bad part of that is that i can only go twice a week. yupp. only twice. so i'll slowly try to be able to go more often. then from there. it'll be like last time. yay!! and the good thing is that handbells is going to take up some of my saturdays. so ya. i'll be so preoccupied that i won't really be upset about not going crosslink.. and when school starts. i'll just study. so that i can gain my parents trust and go crosslink more often. ya. when i first heard about it. i was quite upset that i could only go twice a week. i was hoping more. but then i remembered that i was so ungrateful last time so ya. i got so happy that i was like moved to tears. ya i know. so sensitive. but I'M SO HAPPY! i warned the people in crosslink that i would be back in the previous post. so here i am. ready to make my comeback!

oh and for handbells. we are going to be carolling. ya. i know i told a lot of people that we won't be carolling. but now we are. 25 nov. 3 dec and 10 dec. in novena square i think. so ya. and if i'm not wrong. we'll also be performing somewhere else. ya. so exciting. but the bad part of that is that the first two practises for the carolling will be on the days i'm not in singapore(i shall not go into detail for the benefits of some) and ya. i don't want to play the bass again. very boring. i want to play either F and G 5 or A and B5.. these are fun notes. ya. i hope mrs aw will give me those notes and save them for me.

ok. now for the not so pleasant thing. today is the last day of school. ok. some of you may call me crazy. but ya. 2s has been a really fun class. something different. filled with classmates that do stuff that i never expect them to do. being a person whom the whole world calls guai. ya. i would never expect my classmates to eat in class. and ya. telling you who eat in class is harder than telling you who don't eat in class. ya. and it's just so different. seeing my classmates eat and being tempted. it's like a test that i have to go through to resist temptation. ya. and i'm glad to say i pass. i'd always remember how in the first semester i sat next to beverly who constantly bullied sonia who sat in front of her. i will always remember how bev will stick pieces of paper on sonia. always insulting her. and how bev would wet sonia skirt. cherilyn and vanessa are the two i can never forget as i always spent most of my time with them and the three of us formed a clique. selene bay. the one would always spoil my pens. andera. the one i sat next to in the second semester. the one who could endure my highness and even laugh together with me. and ya. everyone in class has made a huge impact on me.i remember how our class would bully every teacher. how we always did something else during lessons time. how we always listened to mrs cheong's stories and mimick them. how we never payed attention during history and always use that time to do self revision. how we 'complimented' mrs magdalene sim and how she loved it. how we bully ms ng and ms yeo. how our lao shi, mrs low and mrs tang were strick with us. how mrs kuan always get our attention easily. how mrs ong always said 'girls at the back'. how we always laughed at mrs lee's jokes. how mrs yue was really weird and funny. how i don't really like mrs tan cos i don't like art. but ya. i don't really want to go into it now. i guess what i want to say is that 2s has given me memories that i will never forget. and even though we may not see some classmates again. and not all be in the same class. we will still stay friends. eeee. sounds so cheesy. oh well. haha. it's the thought that counts right. and i hope you all like my cookies.. and ya. hope to see you people again!

I thought i could stay strong. I thought that I could live without it. I thought that i would be lucky and stay preoccupied. but everytime i'm free i just can't help but think about it..

Crosslink. yes Crosslink.

I just realised how much i miss the times at crosslink. i remember how every saturday at 3.15 i'd wake my father up and ask him to drive me down to church so that i can reach there at 3.30 to meet pho and or gloria. i remember how we would go down to the shop, buy a packet of sweets then go up to the fourth floor and wait at the sofa till it was 4.. i remember collecting the name tags every week and sticking them in my book after every session. i remember how much i enjoyed the beginning part of crosslink when it was worship. i remember sitting through pastor steven's messages. which can be boring or meaningful or funny. i remember how i would admire how talented the musicians were for being able to play whatever pastor steven asks them to play without mistakes. i remember running away from care group with pho once in a while so that we won't be questioned on how our week was. i remember how much i wanted to be involved in crosslink. and the chance came when i was an usher in all 3 encounters and having the duty of doing projection every 3rd week of the month.

but all these may never happen again. i regret not working hard for the 3rd term thus being grounded.i regret not doing better for final year and yes. that's why i'm typing this. it's been 2 months. 2 months since i've last been to crosslink. and pastor steven was on the topic on 'why does a good god allow suffering?' and ya. recently i heard they've been on the topic 'talk the talk and walk the walk'. yet. i cannot find myself being involved. every saturday i always wish that i was in crosslink. doing whatever they are doing. but no. i'm not allowed. maybe i should have pushed myself harder. like they said. 'no pain no gain'.

and as all these weeks go by. and i see crosslinkers online at around this time. i always wonder why won't they just go since they have the chance. i find myself actually saying that i won't mind giving up my phone just to go at least one more time. just one more time. that's how badly i want to go. i don't mind not being able to go out in the holidays if i was just allowed to go at least one more time. why didn't i just treasure the times when i was in crosslink.. why do i always realise how much i loved something only after i lost it. i always complained that i didn't have enough when i was able to go crosslink. but now i realised that i had everything that i needed. in fact, i had more than enough. i never saw God's blessings for me when He was pouring them over me. i always thought it was a right for me to go crosslink. now i know it's a priviledge. it's a priviledge that i had taken for granted. a priviledge that i've lost. but yes. i believe i can get it back if i work hard enough. i know i can.

as i type out this post. i realise that i've taken a lot for granted. my family. my friends. everything. and that i've never actually thanked God for it but always ask for more. now that i've lost my priviledge for going to crosslink. i know that i'm actually so so so blessed. maybe that's why God doesn't want me to go crosslink. cos if i were able. i would have never known how blessed i was. how lucky i am.. and how i always take things for granted. maybe. after all that has happened. it is not that my parents are too strict. it's not that no one cares. it's all my fault. if i had more discipline. if i was more grateful to God and to the people around me. this priviledge may not have been taken away. and as for now. i dare say. i just learned something that cannot be taught in crosslink. i've just learnt something that pastor steven may not be able to explain.

i've finally learnt how to examine the wrongs in my life. i finally realised that everything i do has an impact. and mind you. i didn't think that this post would end this way. in fact. i thought i would end the post being frustrated and depressed. all these that i type is what came to me from out of the blue.

so yes. God is a wonderful God. and His plan is really amazing. even though i initially believed that everything was going wrong. i now know that God really has a plan for me to grow closer to Him and that i don't have to go crosslink to experience that. that must be the reason why He didnt allow me to go.

am i glad that i finally thought things through. from today onwards. i hope that i can keep this in mind and yes.continue to work hard to go to crosslink.. watch out people in crosslink.

I WILL BE BACK!

this is so unfair!!! so so unfair! i want to go somewhere and scream!! scream my lungs out!

how can my parents just make me quit from methodist school of music and force me to learn from my neighbour... shouldn't i at least have a say.. shouldn't they ask if i want to quit. i'm the one learning piano.. not them.. and even so.. must it be a neighbour. so know how people gossip.. and i use to learn piano in leisure.. now i'm going to be so pressurised to learn.. ya. i know you may ask. grade 8 right? can learn in leisure meh? apparently yes. jessica leong use to teach me in a very fun way. now cannot take my time to learn. and the thing is. i really want to continue learning. but i JUST DON'T WANT TO LEARN FROM MY NEIGHBOUR! and i feel that i should have the right to choose. or at least be consulted for this decision.. it's really not fair to me la. shouldn't my mum just ask me if i want to learn from her.. i rather drop piano altogether if i have to learn from her. i used to play the piano and enjoy every single moment.. now.. i know i'm going to find it a dread. it's so not fair.. and the thing is. she said that if i don't 'qualify' this monday. she's not going to sign me up for the exam. so what? everything i learn goes down the drain? hello????? where got such rubbish!

somehow. everything seems to link. especially when it's bad. mummy's always blackmailing me. so is my dad. and now my mum is forcing me to learn from her friend. i don't know if my dad even cares. and ya. i know for sure i cannot go crosslink. yes. what am i going to do?

everything seems to be going wrong for me.. i know everything that happens is part of God's plan. but ya. i really want to know what is His plan.. cos ya. i know God would bless me. God will take care of me. but i really want to have my cake and eat it too. i want to learn piano from someone i prefer.. i want to go crosslink. and i want God's blessings. oh well.. ya. i guess i should really trust his heart shouldn't i?

Trust His Heart
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we can't see how they would
Troubles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust his heart

He sees the master plan
He holds the future in His hand
Don't liveas those who have no hope
All our hop is found in Him
We see the present clearly
He sees the first and last
And like a tapestry
He's weaving you and me
To someday to be just like Him

Repentance

(the thought of why i am going to post something about repentance may be running through your mind now. you may be wondering why that out of the blues would i suddenly have a post on such a topic. why not something else you may ask. well, i was thinking. that in our everyday life. we SIN. yes we sin. whether we do it subconsciously or consciously is a different thing. but ya. the thing is that. after we sin.. and realise our mistake, what most of us do is to just ask for forgiveness. but we always seem to somehow or rather make the same mistake again. or at least that's what i discovered have been happening to me. and why is that so. cos we don't repent. ya. we do ask for forgiveness. but may not mean it. and may just be asking for the forgiveness for the sake of asking. and ya. all these were running through my mind. so i decided to find out more on repentance.)

ok. basically. to repent is to be sorry for something bad that you have done. and repentant is feeling sorry because of something bad that you have done. (is it the same thing. haha didn't notice. but anyway..) so i guess. ya. many people actually know that they have done wrong. and yes. ask for forgiveness. but do they actually feel sorry about what they have done? or are they doing what they do so that others would think that they are doing the right thing? but are their hearts at the right place? that's just one issue.

second one is. do we dare to feel sorry for the sins we commit again and again and again.. are we worried that we won't be forgiven. so instead we try to cover up our mistakes and ya. don't admit.

"When you are in diestress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or gorget the convenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath." Decteronomy 4:30-31

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will i hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal thier land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Jesus said in matthew 4:17 "...'Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is now near' "

so ya. God wants us to repent when we have done wrong. repent cos it is the right thing to do. God has already promised to forgive. he will even heal our land. and yea. the kingdom of heaven is now near. so ya. repentance must be a really important thing cos God wants us to repent

the bible is so kind to us. that for those who don't understand what i'm saying. there's even a story to illustrate. ya.

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18:9-14)
To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prated about himself: 'God, I thank you that i am not like other men - robbers, evildoers, adulterers - or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all i get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to the heaven, but beat his breast and said,'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

so ya. i guess from all these. we can learn that repentance is a really important thing. and it is also something which we can gain. we won't even lose out on anything. ya. and when repenting. we should humble ourselves and pray like the tax collectors. cos for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. so i guess this is a lesson learnt for myself. ya.

(please pardon me if this doesn't really make sense. ya. hopefully as time passes. i'll improve on such posts and hopefully bring more back to Christ)

oh no!! tomorrow we are going to get back some of our results. i'm so not ready. this is like the deciding factor on whether i what subjects i can choose. and more importantly.. whether i can go crosslink. oh. please please let me do well..

on the other hand. i really enjoyed myself today. i played for sunday school. which was ok la. dunno why la. everytime pho lead. the whole world would take over the instruments. it never happens when others lead.. hmmm. i really wonder why. anyway. after sunday school. mag, delicia, jessica, sarah, cheryl, gerald, ewen, ziteng and i went to ps. ya. we ate at long john silver. then went to the arcade. shhh. don't tell my parents. ya. played for a while when gerald suddenly ran out. mag thought it was because he saw some friend. dunno who la. then he came back sweaty and panting, saying that he lost his bag. and ya. mag, ewen, gerald and i went to long john silver again. and ya. gerald claimed that the lady didn't see the bag. but when i ask the cleaner, he glady passed it to me. haha. maybe like gerald said.. those people are sexist. haha. after playing for a while more. gerald, cheryl, mag, delicia and i went to take neoprints. ya. then we went bugis. jessica, sarah and ewen went orchard. ya. ziteng went home. so at bugis. at this shop. there was this cushion. which i want so badly. and this really big stuff toy. but ya. i already have 2 of those type of cushions. but i still want one more. ya. $9.90.. oh. but i bought this milk bottle thing. which was quite cute. if you turn it upside down, the milk would disappear. and turn it back up for the milk to appear. so cool. cheryl got one too. ya. we walked and walked and walked until we gave up and went to get a drink. then went home. i was lucky. mummy picked me up from newton mrt. so i didn't have to take public transport all the way. ya. i know.. lucky lucky me..

ya. and on thursday i also went out. with gerald, ziteng, ewen, jessica, sarah and cherilyn. ya. went to ps(i know.. again..) and bugis.. again. haha. ya. we watched corpse bride. which was SO SO BORING!! don't ever watch it. ya. then there was a big commotion. which i will not talk about. there people who went will know. ya. then we went to swee lee. which was. ya. not as big as i thought it would be. but ya. they do have a lot of music stuff there. so it wasn't really a wasted trip. actually for that trip there isn't much i can say.. cos nowadays my gossips are kept within the group. ya.

oh, we are in DESPARATE need for a drum pedal. anyone want to help in the proposal and all... i think most probably we would be selling breakfast. definately food la. that young children like. cos they buy a lot. ya. haha.

so ya. i'm really grateful for this weekend. ya. even though i didn't get to go crosslink. god must have got a reason. so ya. thanks dear lord for such a fun weekend.

blegh. i can't go crosslink. not fair. why must they see my results first.why can't they just let me go today. it's like.. what on earth am i going to do. blegh!!!!!! I WANT TO GO CROSSLINK!! i really really want to go.. can someone please pray that i'll be able to go..

maybe i'll bake.. maybe i'll just stone. maybe i'll try to sleep the whole day.i'll just try to find somehing to do i guess. BUT I REALLY WANT TO GO CROSSLINK!

technically. i can't really say i'm depressed just because i can't go crosslink. but i must say that i'm really upset and disppointed. ya. i was really looking forward to going today. but ya. i never thought that mummy would say no.

oh and btw..happy birthday rui jun..

ahhh. it's friday and i still dunno if i'm allowed to go crosslink.. and it's like tmr i'm suppose to do projection for crosslink. so ya. i want to go!!!!! oh please let me go..

ya. i feel so weird not studying. i suddenly have nothing to do. i feel so sO SO BORED!!!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. someone give me something to do. actually i have a job, keying in stuff. but i just don't feel like doing it now.

blegh. hope my holidays won't be so wasted. and THAT I GET TO GO CROSSLINK

yes. only tmr left. chinese and art. which is stupid. why even have art exams.. ya. i'm finally finished with my art. ya. brendan has a x-box that's why i'm able to use the com. ya.

i just found out that even after my exams. i'll still be tied down. ya. i have a job. from my aunty which pays quite well. handbells would be another one. and lastly church. ya. i've to talk to my fellow sec 2s about the sec 3 graduation. ya. and someone else is leaving. shall not say. then have to plan how to raise funds. and i wanna learn guitar from uncle chee seng. he said he'll teach. ya. but i got to get a few people.

oh handbells.. i think i'm going to die. cos i'll be in fuzhou for a week. the first week of november. and ya. the concert in on the 19th of nov. i think they'll scold me when they find out i'll be going off. i better play well for the next few practises. which starts dunno when.

ya. finally got my zen mirco back. ya. it wasn't confiscated. it just broke again. ya. and they finally returned it back to me. yay! finally get to listen to it. now i got a new source of entertainment.

yup. ya. i really want to go crosslink today but can't. mummy said it's only after she has seen my results. that will mean like the end of the month. (hopefully not. hopefully earlier) ya. but what if i don't score well. will preventing me from going to crosslink help with my results. i don't think so la. why punish me like that. oh well. ya. what gloria said is quite true. God must have a reason for doing so. for letting my parents do that. so ya. i shall just endure.

exams ending. but that doesn't mean the end of my work. ya. firstly my aunt would be giving me a job. so that's not so bad la. at least i'll have something to do. and ya. i'll earn some money to spend. and yes. concerning church. i need to set up a committee. for sunday school.. ya. cos i think that the drum pedal in church is really beyond hope. and my dad said the only way we can use the sunday school money is to firstly set up a committee. then write a proposal. thank God for project work. i've learnt how to write proposals. but now. the problem is. i dunno who to put in the committee. and whether i want to be in it too. i was talking to sarah and gerald about it. and ya. sarah said that i'd most probably be in charge of the com. but the thing is. i'm not sure i want to take up more responsibilities. but yet at the same time. i like things done my way. ya. i know that's selfish of me la. but ya. and the thing is. i cannot involve the whole current sec 2 level. cos. that will be too many people. and ya. that's not what i need. and yet if i don't involve everyone. there would be people who would feel left out. ya. haiz. i rather work with people that i'm more open up to. people that i know will contribute. ya. but since i've already said this. and everyone reads it. and if i don't get them to join the com. won't they feel hurt. and anyway. i also don't know what the com needs to consist of. ya.

gerald was telling me that if we have a com then we should set up a camp like what the sec 3s did. i really don't mind la. i think it'll be fun. i've learnt from the mistakes that the sec 3s made and i think if we really put our minds to it. and plan everything by the end of this year. we should be quite successful in setting up the camp. but the question is. is it workable? are we willing to commit our time to do all these? to plan a proposal for both money and the camp.. to actually work it out.. to do everything we need to do to ensure that everything goes well? time can change a lot of things and ya. what if we all start to give up half way.

and the thing is. my QT has been on perseverance for the past few days. which is really helping me. considering i'm still having exams. and this is what today's one said:

A man had a dream one night. In his dream he stood before the throne of God in heaven. The man crossed his arms on his chest and spoke to God.

"God," he said, "I feel like giving up. Sometimes being a Christian is just too hard, and i don't feel lik doing if anymore. It gets discouraging, you know? Isn't there some way for me to just get a 'vacation' from being a Christian?"

God nodded his head. "I see," he said. "And while you're on this vacation, would you like me to still cause the sun to rise every morning? Would you like me to still place a song in the throat of every bird? Would you like me to keep your heart beating? would you like me to open your eyes from sleep and give you another day of life?"

"Would you like me to still listen to your prayers an soothe your hurts? Would you like me to still forgive your sins and keep your soul in the palm of my hand? Would you like me to still send the sun to bed at night and give you the moon and starts to decorate your night sky? Would you like me to close your eyes in sleep and fill your lungs with breath even while you sleep? Or are you suggestion that i go on vacation too?"

The man swallowed hard before speaking. "Uh, you know," he answered God in his dream, "I... I... I've ch-changed my mind. I've decided I don't need a 'vacation' after all!"

Most of us feel like that man from time to time. We may be tired of doing our chores. Or tired of doing a certain job. Or tired of making right choices. We may even get tired of being Christians.

But at times like those, we need to remember that God commands us to persevere. We need to remind ourselves that God commands perseverance because God values perseverance. And we need to understand that God values perseverance because he perseveres for us, day after day, moment after moment.

That's why perseverance is right - because God perseveres. He promises never to fail us or forsake us. And because he will always keep going for us, we should learn to persevere in things we do.

ya. maybe if i put this in mind. i'll be able to persevere and make sure that whatever i start. i will persevere till the end. yupp

oh yes. finally this stupid blogger thing is working. ya. anyway. i was blog hoping la. and ya. i came across what priscilla had to say about the end of the world. and ya. since i think it's so so true. i want to share it with you people..

Dear readers, It brings me great displeasure to break this news to you - the earth is ending. We don't know when, we don't know which hour, but we know it's soon.

"36No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
37 As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at thecoming of the Son of Man."
Matthew 24 :26-27
How do I know you ask. Well to put it simply, it's all in the Bible you duts. And how do I know it's true? It's in the Bible too. Not once, not twice, but thrice as in says so in Matthew 24, Mark 13 and Luke 21.

"8He replied: "Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and,'The time is near.' Do not follow them.
9When you hear of wars and revolutions, do not be frightened. These things must happenfirst, but the end will not come right away."
10Then he said to them: "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. 11There will begreat earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful eventsand great signs from heaven." "
Luke 21 : 8-11

In verse 8, they are obviously refering to the false christ who is coming in October, and he is only just one of the many that is to come.
In verse 9 and 10, they are refering to the Iraq war.
On verse 11, they are refering to the many recent natural disasters that took place recently. And they even have evidence of the tsunami :

25 "There will be signs in the sun,moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity atthe roaring and tossing of the sea."
Luke 21 : 25

There will be no escape ( Luke 21 : 21-22), but still, we must keep watch, as this is Jesus' command.

"23So be on your guard; I have told you everything ahead of time."
Mark 13 : 23

35"Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back whether in the evening,or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn.
36If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping.
37What I say to you, I say to everyone: 'Watch!'
Mark 13 : 35-37

But I am not afraid.
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never passaway."
Matthew 24 : 35, Mark 13 : 31, Luke 21 :33

Even so, come, Lord Jesus. Amen.

ya. don't you think that that is so meaningful. and the truth is. it is real. so so real. why wait when you know that the world is coming to an end. why sit around and not care? is our daily lives so important that we can't even spend time with God. why do we always give the excuse that we're busy. we should not be Bound Under Satan Yoke. we should spend more time with God. so ya. we should all come back to Jesus. and ya. i know some of my friends out there want to come to church. please ya. tell me about it. and come any time.