Change

You just know it, you know, when it's time for certain changes to happen.  Maybe it comes with 'maturity', or maybe it's just like something clicking in your mind and you just know it.  But whatever it is, I think it's nice; nice because there's peace that comes along with that inevitable change; nice because it doesn't come as a shock and you get to slowly ease into it.

It's currently 16 June 2012; amazing how time has just flown by, amazing how so much has happened and totally amusing how I'm 21 years and 11 days old and I'm talking like some old grandma who has lived a hundred years.  Haha.

But ya.  For some reason I'm quite excited for changes to happen and then there's the other part of me that is singing really loudly "CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA, HERE WE I COMEEEEEE" hahahahaha.

Going to War

1When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. ² When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. ³ He shall say: “Hear, Israel: Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them.⁴ For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ”  

Deuteronomy 20:1-4

Today in QT, I was reminded that I shouldn't be walking around, well, defeated.  That I cannot go into 'battle' (aka exams amongst other things) thinking 'oh but I'm not really that smart' or 'but I can't do that' and in the process limiting what God can do in me and through me.  And I think that's really a 'problem' with me.

But God has really been amazing and super gracious; blessing me with grades and other things that I really don't think I deserve - proof of His strength in my weakness.  So, you know, because I serve an awesome, powerful God, I'm going to (learn to) walk about with my head held high knowing that battles have already been won for me, with the assurance that things will be more than just okay.

Life is good because God is good.

Special Dates

Give it a week and it'll seem like a start of the end of a particularly special chapter.  It's starting to feel so bittersweet and it's going to be so hard to let go, yet I know I have to, just to see it grow.  For now, I'm starting to feel a bit clueless as to what my next few steps will be, but I guess I don't have to know them now to trust that God has everything in control and that the next few chapters will be as precious as the previous few.

Goodbye Autumn

The last day of autumn, final day of the season with the next one beginning tomorrow.  Somehow it seems like a huge thing.  It's not the same feeling when it's the end of the week, or month.  End of the season just seems, huge; overwhelming.

Somehow, this end just makes me feel old, makes me feel like there's more responsibilities to be taken up, makes me feel that maybe it's time to grow up.  Maybe it's due to the fact that it's June and soon I'm going to be a year older.  Or maybe because coincidently it's the end of the semester for me as well.  Or maybe it's the realisation that if the middle of the year can come so quickly, in a blink of the eye the year will soon draw to an end - more decisions to be made, more responsibilities to take up, more of everything.

Yet, in the midst of this chaos, it's such a blessing to be able to find joy in the tiniest things; lovely weather; simple stats test; the ability to sing and almost dance to (in the middle of the street) Backstreet Boys and Westlife; the cool crisp suburban air; the quiet streets; the satin night sky filled with tiny diamonds...

So maybe this is the perfect way to end this season - oh I'm going to miss stepping on all the fallen leaves - and great way to start the next.

Goodbye Autumn.

All encompassing

It's just one of those days that you come home and you just feel that overwhelming sense of love.  For that, I thank You.

The word "stress" doesn't even begin to describe it

It's that time again, where I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel my heart rate increasing at such an exponential rate, that I'm a little shocked that it hasn't managed to burst out from behind my ribs and soar through the air.  And I'm here because I feel if I don't let all these out, I MAY ACTUALLY DIE! Cue exaggeration.

And shamefully enough, it's through all these that I'm starting to be aware of my lack of faith, in a lot of things. And it's not good. duh.  But I don't know.  I feel I'm at the point of my life where everything is happening so fast and I don't know how to keep track of them all and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ALL THESE.  And as if all these aren't bad enough, I hear this little whisper in my mind going "ohh but this is training you to be a mum."  That's kinda scary, because does it mean I'll face nonsense like this on a more regular basis?  How scary will that be, seriously.

I'm rambling.  Time to like, tumble around or something until I calm down.  Stress, you make me extra strange..  I think I deserve a psychologist visit now.  Haha.

Simple

Taken last year

It's 2am and I just spent a good minute finding leaves to step on just to hear that crunching sound. Perks of taking out the thrash? Haha. I'm glad I did it though - stepping on the leaves - because it makes me happy, as simple as that.

Learning to Hope

Photo by Karen (:

2012 has just been.. hard.  Maybe hard isn't the right word, maybe more of challenging.  There is just so many things going on that I don't know where or how to begin.  Perhaps that's not really the point.  I don't think I actually need to rant about what's happening in my life.  Or maybe I do, just that, I'm not in the mood to now.

I think I just came here as a way to escape reality for a little while. 

This picture makes me happy and so I have to share it.  I like family photos, even though we don't take many of them.  It reminds me of simpler days.  Sometimes I feel like I act like some old grandma who sits on her rocking chair, knitting, while thinking back on the good ol' days.  Only thing is, I'm not that old.

I think in 2012, with the whole growing up,  taking on more responsibilities, and even postgrad, it's just so different from previous years, that it's hard.  And within a week, another round of change is going to take place that is going to be emotionally tough as well.  Somehow, everything seems to just keep coming.

In my attempt to better understand what's happening to me, for the past few weeks, I've been visualising this girl who keeps falling as she runs, who keeps getting bruised and I just see energy draining.  And I wonder how long more before I just give up, or how long more before I am unable to pick myself up again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate this year or not that I hate my course or my ministry, it's just that life is, hard (because there's really no other appropriate words at the moment).  I still find joy in uni, in ministry, in the things I do, but maybe I'm just really tired or I just miss the simpler days.  Maybe I'm just lacking motivation, lacking the drive.  Maybe my eyes are not focused on the bigger picture.

And so I think I'm learning how to make Romans 5:3-5 + Isaiah 40:38-31 my reality and how to hope in the Lord.  How to take each step in Him and learning how to trust that He is in control of everything.

Now that I'm contented with escaping reality, time to face the music and finish my assignments.

To the fullest

Today as I held the biscuit in one hand and small cup of grape juice in the other, God said to me:

"Monica, Jesus did not die for you to feel hopeless 

Jesus did not die for you to give up on life

But, He died so that you may live life to the fullest."

I Found Hope In The Aftermath

Sometimes I wish that God was here physically, just so that I can give Him a hug and get one in return.  Not because I'm sad or anything, but ya.  And at the moment I feel so overwhelmed by Him that I just cannot help but to let the tears flow.

I'm here because after 4-5 months of what seemed like the toughest point in my life, I finally feel free.  I finally feel that the shackles have fallen off, I finally feel like the chains and the bondage over my life have been broken and, now I am free!  And I thought that needed to be said because God really deserves all the praise.

And that's enough from me for now.