emo moment

Will this feeling ever go away? Is it too late for regrets? Why is there no explanation for what I am feeling right now?

A mixture of emotions.

Happy. Sad. Disappointed. Confused. Angry. Lost.

This is not me. But if so, then where am I? Where is that girl whom people say is always happy? Where am I?

I really don't know why I'm feeling like this. Is this like something everyone has to go through. Because I definately don't want to go through this anymore. I feel like I hit rock bottom. But why am I going through all these? That's like something that I really cannot understand. And yet somehow I feel really disappointed with myself. I miss my old self. So once again the question is, where am I?

Lost.

Will someone please bring me back?

By faith I'll be back.

Shower me with Your love and show me the way.

the need to be left alone

Just leave me alone...

Can't you just understand that we cannot take it anymore. That I can't go through anymore of this. Of course I won't dare talk to you about anything. Do you even bother to listen? Do you even show any concern? So many a times I just want you to just listen to me, with your mouth saying only words of comfort. Yet you disappoint me. You won't even do something as basic as that for us. For me. Do you know that sometimes your words do hurt? How am I going to tell you the rest when things already reached this stage?

Shattered. Destroyed. Broken. Depressed. Lost. Confused.

Why do all these have to happen? How long more can I actually hold out? Will it be long before another smile can appear on my face?

I don't know what to do anymore.

Lord please show me the way.

Friday The Thirteen

Cool, once again it is FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN. And no I'm not superstitious.

Going to add colour to this boring place. See how it turns out..

Today as mentioned in the earlier post, my friends came over la. Don’t think I need to elaborate on it. Actually I just don’t feel like.

Anyway, Handbells was rather fun today. Initially, before Mrs Aw came, we were quite lost in the songs that we were playing. And after a while, we ended up trying out every single song. I kinda like the finally decision on what songs that we are playing. Especially because we get to play “IN HEAVENS THE BELLS ARE RINGING”!!! I like that song. Ever since last year, it has been stuck in my head. But the sad thing is that we have to play in front of that stupid fountain again outside taka. No one is going to be able to hear us la. Heard that Mrs Aw requested for them to switch the fountain off. Yeah right. Like that would actually happen. No wait! Must think positive. Be optimistic. All things are possible!! Yeah and the other songs include "Joy to the world" and a medly of "Carol of the bells and God rest ye merry gentlemen" All these are such such nice songs. So all of you should come down to taka on the 11 Nov and come watch the internationally acclaimed MGS HANDBELL CHOIR!! But I dunno what time is it.. I'll post it once I know. hahaha

I realized my blog is so, so, so not entertaining. And I’m just updating for the sake updating. There’s just no excitement when I blog now. I need to find another purpose for my blog. Make this place more meaningful.

Ok I've reached the point whereby I cannot hide it from you anymore. I really hate to be the one who has to play the bad guy and tell you all these. Trust me; you won't want to hear a single word. There's nothing else I can do now. No matter how hard I try, you still need to give me time. However I'm really sure that time is not on your side. I know that each time you sit down there alone, listening to the ticking of the clock, your mind is filled will all the crazy thoughts. Is there no way you can get your mind distracted by something else? I'll really, really try my best to help, but as for now I can't promise you anything.

updates

EXAMS ARE OFFICIALLY OVER! ok so I'm a day late, but I just didn't feel like using the computer yesterday. But I'm really really worried of getting my papers back. I don't want to see my results just yet, unless I know for sure that I'll do well. SO SO SO SCARY!

Yesterday went out with Jessica, Gerald, Daniel and Nicholas to Jurong Point. I wanted to go there in hope that I could finally be the first one to reach home. We wanted to watch John Tucker must die, but in the end we watched World Trade Centre. Ok that show is not considered bad, but it's not fantastic. Gerald, Nicholas and I got bored after a while. I found that show a waste of money if you asked me for my honest opinion.. Yeah. Then we met up with Kui Luan and had dinner with her. We ate at Billy Bombers. So Expensive, I feel so bad eating there. I'm not really going to elaborate on what else happened la.. Ok, then the most ironic thing happened. I was supposed to be the FIRST to reach home. But guess what, my father drove everyone home, and once again I was the last one to reach home. I've no idea how that always happens. But yes, once again it DID happen. That's so not possible la.

Today I didn't do much. Like I wanted to sleep in, but mummy woke me up at 10. Like she can't let me sleep.. Anyway, I was so tired but was trying my best to stay awake. Then I had breakfast, had no choice but to practise piano and then because of my cold, I was so sleepy that I fell asleep. Then I actually managed to wake up when the alarm clock rang. Then I baked and got annoyed after a while when the thing I was tryin to bake couldn't stick together. So now I'm online. I've nothing better to do.

Tomorrow I've handbells prac. So sian la. I don't see why Miss Sim wants us to start prac so soon. Like we've all been studying like siao for so long, and now only ONE day break and now handbells. With all these handbells, we're going to get so stressed out again if we can't master our piece. Maybe we shouldn't accept the invitations. But since we already have, we need to prac for it. Actually I love performing. But i just want a longer break before we start the handbells intensive again. I kinda want to sleep in tomorrow morning. But looks like I can't. Oh well. I've friends coming over tmr. (TOC plus delicia) If there is anyone I forgot to invite, just tell me and please feel welcomed to come. I didn't mean to leave anyone out, but I just forgot who I called and all. Yeah.. No offence intended.

Ok, I've finally updated this dead place. Hopefully it would be much more alive.. hahah.

Jia You

all I need is one last burst of energy and then it'd be all over. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T WAIT TILL ALL OF IT IS OVER!! I'm going mad! I'm so so stressed!

Yeah, I don't really want to post about anything. So ya. Here's my exams schedule. And after all these, I'LL BE FREE!! back to the fun stuff like handbells, non stop nonsense, going out etc..

02 Oct - English paper 1

Social studies

03 Oct - Chinese paper 1

Geography paper 2

04 Oct - English paper 2

Chemistry paper 1

Chemistry paper 2

05 Oct - Mathematics paper 1

06 Oct - Mathematics paper 2

09 Oct - Additional Mathematics paper 1

Literature Elective

10 Oct - Additional Mathematics paper 2

Physics paper 1

Physics paper 2

11 Oct - Chinese paper 2

Chinese paper 3

Geography paper 1

Oh and good luck to everyone out there taking exams!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your understanding" Proverbs 3:5

monica + needles = ahhhh

I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. I can't stand needles!! Why must we have this vacination jab because we are going to mission trip. I'm really very scacred of that stupid needle. How I wish they will come up with new methods of giving us vacination besides needles. I kept on telling myself that I would be ok, but when people started to try scare others by emphasising on the needle and the whole procedure, I could just feel myself just break down. Like suddenly I told myself that I was not prepared to go through it and there was this sudden rush of fear. I really tried to hold back my tears, but like, the tears just kept on rolling down. It's times like this when I realise that I'm really really scared of needles. I think I teared so much that ewen and seth stopped scaring people. They were like trying to get me to calm down. So embarrassing. But I'm glad that I took the vacination with people from church cos I'm closer to them. I think if I took it with people from school. Then it would be worst. Cos at least in church there are teachers and my father was there. And yeah, the friends there are like people I know for a longer time. yeah.

Exams coming. need to go study..

Sunday School Sunday

Today was Sunday School Sunday. I must say that I really enjoyed myself except for a few stuff. But it's not nice to be remembering the sad events.. And I don't really feel like elaborating what happened. Maybe another time la..


yeah, I really dunno what to do anymore. I cannot continue being stuck in the middle anymore. Why can't you all just be happy together. There are people trying, yet there are others not wanting to do anything about it. What can I do to make all these stop? Do you all need to see my tears of confusion and frustration before all these can come to an end? Sometimes I find it so destroying to see both of you like that. And yet sometimes it just get really annoying. It really needs to stop. This cannot ever continue. The gossips, the backstabbing, the hyprocracy(spelling?) all got to stop.. I cannot take anymore of this.

no..

It's been a long time since I used to computer. or so I think. All my mum has allowed me to do is to either study or practise the piano. And I'm going mad la.

And then my mum was starting to threaten to pull me out of handbells and out of all the activities I had in church. And that was when I thought it started to become really unfair and unreasonable. My parents were the one who were happy for me when I first got promoted to the performing choir, then to part of the committee and once again I got promoted to another role in the committee. And yet now they are the one trying to pull me out of it, threatening to not let me take part in SYF. The reason why I worked so hard in handbells is because I want to play in SYF. Like if I can't play in that, then isn't handbells kinda meaningless? I really dunno how to make her stop using SYF to threaten me. It's getting kinda annoying. I thought they said they'll support me? and now they are threatening me. so exactly what are they supporting?

And for Sunday School Sunday. Ya I can tell my mum isn't too happy with all the practices I have. But it's going to be over in 2 weeks!! And not say I don't study la. Cos if I don't study, she practically nags at me until I start. And yes, she's been threatening to pull me out. And I thought I was the only one. Never thought that Jessica was facing the same problem too. Now she can't come for practice tomorrow. I think both our mothers are having a very big obsession over studying. Stupid EOYs. So so stressful. Why must Singapore education system be so tough?

And I SO SO DISLIKE MY PIANO TEACHER! I tell you, she has something against me. I cut my nails and it grew like a bit, and she complained non stop just because my hands slip. like just ONE note. and like I dunno what's wrong with her. She can go on and on about how I should play a certain style. Not my fault my other teacher taught me wrongly right. Now I'm trying as hard as I can to adjust. But it's very hard to change a habit la. And just because I didn't take grade 7 exam, she's not happy. Another person who's threatening me. She keeps on saying that if I don't try harder, she'll make me take grade 7 instead of 8. Seriously, I just can't stand her la. She's the first teacher who makes me dislike lessons so badly. And she wants me to prac everyday 2 hours? hello? me got life. And like I don't even have time to study, talk about playing the piano. Unless the neighbours don't mind me playing at midnight.

Ahhhhh. I'm going mad!!! Oh well. I better go off now lest my mum complain. Till the time comes when I can use the computer again. :)

Jeanie learning to count

jeanie learning to count

i'm so sorry jeanie. I just couldn't resist posting this

PRESIDENT STAR CHALLENGE

ok I don't know what date blogger will put this post as, but according to my clock, it's 12.49am..

TONIGHT MG HANDBELLS WILL BE PLAYING IN PRESIDENT STAR CHALLENGE!! SO SO SO EXCITING! EVERYONE MUST TAKE NOTE OF US AND DONATE WHEN WE'RE PLAYING OK?!!

that's like one of the more positive things about the event.. There are quite a bit of negative stuff too like our costume which we'll try to alter later on.. really really makes everyone look pregnant. really gross. and ya. not going to post much today, maybe after the performance.. I'M SUPER EXCITED!!!