I've Moved

I never thought the day would come that I would finally say this.

I've moved.  You can now find me at:

myharmonica.blogspot.com

Run

Child:  Why am I stopping, Dad?  Why am I not running with the rest?

Dad:  Just sit here, child, wait and rest.  Spend time with me.

Child:  But Dad, I don't want to rest, I want to run.

Dad:  Trust me, wait and refuel.

Child:  Everyone else is running, why must I stop?  Why can't I do whatever the rest are doing?  Why can't I run on that same track as them?

Dad:  Dear child, don't you see?  I know you and I know you need this time to rest, whether you agree with it or not.  I want to spend time with you and I want to give you this chance to refuel as you get ready to run again.  Don't worry about lagging behind.  Don't you see?  The others you are looking at are one lap behind you now.  Don't look back, look ahead.  I'm bringing you to a different track.  I know it looks dark ahead, for now.  But when it's time, just run.  Soon you'll see cheerleaders, cheering you on.  

And I'll be waiting for you, at the finishing line.

2013

One day every tongue will confess You are God

One day every knee will bow

Till the greatest treasure remains for those

Who gladly choose You now

Trust God to use anything and everything, including music, to speak.  The lyrics really forces me to reevaluate what I am doing with my life, doesn't it do the same to you too?  In light that one day Christ will return, in light that I'm here for Kingdom purposes, in light that I'm in this world but I shouldn't be of this world; sometimes I wonder why life seems so complicated and why can't there be a Monica's-life-manual that tells me exactly what to do.

I think that's what Summer has been so far for me: figuring out what is my next step.

And it's funny, because I started this post with a different ending in mind.  But as I said, God speaks.  He intervenes.  And as I type, and the song "Come, Now Is The Time To Worship" replays in my mind, I hear God saying that Now is the time to Worship Him.  I guess it's cool that way; while I'm hoping for some life manual with all the answers I would ever need, God reminds me that He is all I need and all I need to do is to worship Him.

So here's to trusting that I won't stumble much (and if I do, that He will pick me up) as I step into the unknown.  2013 will be a good year, just because my God is an awesome God.

My Source of Strength

Just one of those days

Maybe it's the four white walls that are reminding me of Taylors on A'Beckett (horrible hostel), or maybe it's the lack of anything meaningful to look forward to, or maybe it's the lack of routine.

Whatever it is, I'm homesick.

From Eve To Mary

Completing my course before everyone is done with exam is not as fun as I thought it would be.  Can't really "hang out" with people since everyone has to study.

On a side note, I'M DONE WITH MY COURSE!! I can't believe the year has zoomed by so quickly and that I'm at this very point in my life right now.  Feels so surreal.

And just because Teo mentioned she was listening to the soundtrack of "From Eve to Mary - Walking with Women", I had to go google it again and oh the memories are flooding back.  Looking back, I really am honoured and am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of a huge musical production, directed by Jonathan Lim and have music written/arranged by Bang Wenfu.  It's really such high honour, working with professionals who put together one of more amazing musicals ever.

The pictures barely capture how huge scale the whole musical was.  Man, the hours we spent on rehearsals and whatnot.  I remember going home at midnight for so many nights in a row, and how we will attempt to finish our homework before people arrive at our scene and then we have to provide angelic music.  The endless number of snack we hid and brought to munch on to keep us sane.  And that's all just tip of the ice berg.  Oh the memories.

I really miss such moments, but I'm super grateful for the memories that come with it.  It's been a while since I thought about all these performing arts stuff, and what I would give to be able to perform like that again, or even those simple "carolling in Orchard Road."

Ahh, handbells (:

Walking down memory lane

It's funny how recently music, shows, and whatnots have been bringing me down memory lane, bringing back such precious memories.

Right now, I just want to thank YOU for all those harder times and I want to thank YOU even more for being there and carrying me through all those.  I want to thank YOU for letting those experiences mould me to the person I am today and thank YOU for never letting me stray.

(':

Another great chapter

And as I procrastinate:

1 more day before I finish my Counselling unit.
12 more days till my Psychological Assessment exam
20 more days till my Research Project is due
24 more days till my Presentation

And then I'll be done with yet another course; time flies.  And in my last few days, slogging in front of the computer, writing up essays, filling up application forms, I realised how much I actually enjoy what I'm doing.  The pain, the tears, the stress - all worth it.  So fun that I really want to do Masters and/or Doctorate eventually.  So fun that I am more certain of where I hope to work and what I hope to spend my life doing.

And regardless, I'm still super grateful for this year and super grateful that God has given me a spot in this course, even though it means travelling SO FAR every week.  For once, I think I'll be able to close the year, for both ministry and studies, very peacefully and filled with anticipation for where He'll bring me to next year.

For I know YOU KNOW the plans for my life, and for that I am at peace.

Till next time

I think if you'd let me, I would have so many stories to share, so many tales to tell.  It's been a wonderful five years and it still amazes me how so many stories, so many testimonies are still so fresh in my mind.  Earlier today, I shocked myself at the ability to remember details of so many incidents over the years.  Furthermore, I never expected the whole "love your minions" advice to make leaving so much harder.  Still, all great things must come to an end.  I really couldn't have asked for a better ending to this chapter; fantastic that I got to finish it with the craziest, loveliest bunch of people, who are leaving with me so many precious memories.  Each amazing and inspiring in their own ways, and collectively the most encouraging group of people, always ready to spur each other on.

xoxo

Thank You Lord, for everything.

Second half of 2012

You know that words are somewhat inappropriate/redundant when you keep typing and then clicking backspace to restart and rephrase; you find that while staring at that picture, it somehow describes exactly how you feel, and clearly explains your circumstance, yet you're probably the only one who gets it and everyone is just left clueless.  But maybe that's okay, for now.

Heart Knowledge

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14

Making this head knowledge, heart knowledge

Winter Break

I've never been so grateful for the holidays and I didn't realise how much I really needed it.  And it's really the little things that make a difference.  Tiny things like blowing bubbles in my room, clearing my to-do lists, sleeping in on days I don't have work - I realise how I really took that for granted especially since I had free days in my undergrad year.  And after a semester of waking up to the horrid sound the alarm makes, it felt so good to be able to sleep in until my body was rested enough.  Even things like an organised room - because when doing my lit review, I had notes all over my table and organisation was the last thing on my mind.  The weather even seems to be celebrating with me with the sun shining into my room as I type this.

This is only the 3rd day of my winter break but I think it's already one of my favourite ones and only one more week to go before uni opens again (me thinks?). But yay, I'm really very grateful for every single minute (:

Change

You just know it, you know, when it's time for certain changes to happen.  Maybe it comes with 'maturity', or maybe it's just like something clicking in your mind and you just know it.  But whatever it is, I think it's nice; nice because there's peace that comes along with that inevitable change; nice because it doesn't come as a shock and you get to slowly ease into it.

It's currently 16 June 2012; amazing how time has just flown by, amazing how so much has happened and totally amusing how I'm 21 years and 11 days old and I'm talking like some old grandma who has lived a hundred years.  Haha.

But ya.  For some reason I'm quite excited for changes to happen and then there's the other part of me that is singing really loudly "CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA, HERE WE I COMEEEEEE" hahahahaha.

Going to War

1When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. ² When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. ³ He shall say: “Hear, Israel: Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them.⁴ For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ”  

Deuteronomy 20:1-4

Today in QT, I was reminded that I shouldn't be walking around, well, defeated.  That I cannot go into 'battle' (aka exams amongst other things) thinking 'oh but I'm not really that smart' or 'but I can't do that' and in the process limiting what God can do in me and through me.  And I think that's really a 'problem' with me.

But God has really been amazing and super gracious; blessing me with grades and other things that I really don't think I deserve - proof of His strength in my weakness.  So, you know, because I serve an awesome, powerful God, I'm going to (learn to) walk about with my head held high knowing that battles have already been won for me, with the assurance that things will be more than just okay.

Life is good because God is good.

Special Dates

Give it a week and it'll seem like a start of the end of a particularly special chapter.  It's starting to feel so bittersweet and it's going to be so hard to let go, yet I know I have to, just to see it grow.  For now, I'm starting to feel a bit clueless as to what my next few steps will be, but I guess I don't have to know them now to trust that God has everything in control and that the next few chapters will be as precious as the previous few.

Goodbye Autumn

The last day of autumn, final day of the season with the next one beginning tomorrow.  Somehow it seems like a huge thing.  It's not the same feeling when it's the end of the week, or month.  End of the season just seems, huge; overwhelming.

Somehow, this end just makes me feel old, makes me feel like there's more responsibilities to be taken up, makes me feel that maybe it's time to grow up.  Maybe it's due to the fact that it's June and soon I'm going to be a year older.  Or maybe because coincidently it's the end of the semester for me as well.  Or maybe it's the realisation that if the middle of the year can come so quickly, in a blink of the eye the year will soon draw to an end - more decisions to be made, more responsibilities to take up, more of everything.

Yet, in the midst of this chaos, it's such a blessing to be able to find joy in the tiniest things; lovely weather; simple stats test; the ability to sing and almost dance to (in the middle of the street) Backstreet Boys and Westlife; the cool crisp suburban air; the quiet streets; the satin night sky filled with tiny diamonds...

So maybe this is the perfect way to end this season - oh I'm going to miss stepping on all the fallen leaves - and great way to start the next.

Goodbye Autumn.

All encompassing

It's just one of those days that you come home and you just feel that overwhelming sense of love.  For that, I thank You.

The word "stress" doesn't even begin to describe it

It's that time again, where I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel my heart rate increasing at such an exponential rate, that I'm a little shocked that it hasn't managed to burst out from behind my ribs and soar through the air.  And I'm here because I feel if I don't let all these out, I MAY ACTUALLY DIE! Cue exaggeration.

And shamefully enough, it's through all these that I'm starting to be aware of my lack of faith, in a lot of things. And it's not good. duh.  But I don't know.  I feel I'm at the point of my life where everything is happening so fast and I don't know how to keep track of them all and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ALL THESE.  And as if all these aren't bad enough, I hear this little whisper in my mind going "ohh but this is training you to be a mum."  That's kinda scary, because does it mean I'll face nonsense like this on a more regular basis?  How scary will that be, seriously.

I'm rambling.  Time to like, tumble around or something until I calm down.  Stress, you make me extra strange..  I think I deserve a psychologist visit now.  Haha.

Simple

Taken last year

It's 2am and I just spent a good minute finding leaves to step on just to hear that crunching sound. Perks of taking out the thrash? Haha. I'm glad I did it though - stepping on the leaves - because it makes me happy, as simple as that.

Learning to Hope

Photo by Karen (:

2012 has just been.. hard.  Maybe hard isn't the right word, maybe more of challenging.  There is just so many things going on that I don't know where or how to begin.  Perhaps that's not really the point.  I don't think I actually need to rant about what's happening in my life.  Or maybe I do, just that, I'm not in the mood to now.

I think I just came here as a way to escape reality for a little while. 

This picture makes me happy and so I have to share it.  I like family photos, even though we don't take many of them.  It reminds me of simpler days.  Sometimes I feel like I act like some old grandma who sits on her rocking chair, knitting, while thinking back on the good ol' days.  Only thing is, I'm not that old.

I think in 2012, with the whole growing up,  taking on more responsibilities, and even postgrad, it's just so different from previous years, that it's hard.  And within a week, another round of change is going to take place that is going to be emotionally tough as well.  Somehow, everything seems to just keep coming.

In my attempt to better understand what's happening to me, for the past few weeks, I've been visualising this girl who keeps falling as she runs, who keeps getting bruised and I just see energy draining.  And I wonder how long more before I just give up, or how long more before I am unable to pick myself up again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate this year or not that I hate my course or my ministry, it's just that life is, hard (because there's really no other appropriate words at the moment).  I still find joy in uni, in ministry, in the things I do, but maybe I'm just really tired or I just miss the simpler days.  Maybe I'm just lacking motivation, lacking the drive.  Maybe my eyes are not focused on the bigger picture.

And so I think I'm learning how to make Romans 5:3-5 + Isaiah 40:38-31 my reality and how to hope in the Lord.  How to take each step in Him and learning how to trust that He is in control of everything.

Now that I'm contented with escaping reality, time to face the music and finish my assignments.